Let’s be honest: 2022 may be a real downer. Every time you turn on the news, there’s a new variant, new booster shots, a new court fight over masks.
The only smart choice? Quit consuming news.
To aid in your decision not to pay attention, I’ve peered ahead 365 days. Herewith, a 2022 year in review.
Jan. 30. The Arizona Cardinals, left shorthanded by COVID-19, lure Larry Fitzgerald off the golf course to play in the NFC championship game. Despite Fitz catching two touchdowns from reactivated quarterback Kurt Warner, age 50, the Cardinals fall to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and senior citizen QB Tom Brady.
Feb. 1. Republican gubernatorial frontrunner Kari Lake makes news when she chooses the first day of Black History Month to advocate for “White History Months.” In a press conference held at Hobby Lobby, Lake proposes that the months of January, March, May, July, August, October, and December – “which all have 31 days, so they’re better” – be dedicated to teaching white history.
She also suggests that “we give the Asians a week in June, because they’re great, but not, like, a whole month’s worth.”
April 21. Three weeks into baseball season, Arizona Diamondbacks owner Ken Kendrick tweets that his team “is still undefeated and still in first place.” While the statement is technically true, Kendrick is roasted by the Arizona sports media, which note that the baseball lockout means no team has played a game yet.
Kendrick lashes out at what he calls “media negativity.” He goes on to accurately note: “The truth is, this is still better than last year.”
May 17. President Joe Biden addresses the American people on a new pandemic development – we have officially run out of Greek letters to create variant names. In an ingenious move to raise revenue, Biden announces the federal government will now sell “variant sponsorships” to the highest bidder.
First up? The “Amazon variant,” which will come to your house and infect you several days after its scheduled arrival.
June 19. The Phoenix Suns win their first NBA championship in four straight games over the Milwaukee Bucks. Hey, it’s a dream column. A guy can fantasize, right?
Aug. 12. Ten days after the conclusion of a contentious primary election, Arizona Senate Republicans announce plans to hire a private company, Abacus, to audit the results. The company promises a “hand-count of the 900,000 votes tallied statewide, using a specially selected team of Sun City residents, each armed with an abacus and a very sharp No. 2 pencil. We should finish by October – of 2024.”
Oct. 1. No longer able to play in Glendale, the Arizona Coyotes announce they’ll play the upcoming NHL season at USA Skateland, a Chandler roller rink. Owner Alex Meruelo says he intends for his team to win all 40 home games, now played on roller skates because it’s “way cheaper than ice.”
Fans who attend Coyotes games will get 10 free foosball tokens and a slice of cheese pizza. “Pepperoni is extra,” a team spokesman confirms.
Nov. 8. After Democrat Katie Hobbs wins election by four votes over Kari Lake, Lake announces that she’s hired the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to conduct an election audit. While masked spokesman Donatello is silent at Lake’s press conference, he does swing his wooden bō staff when Lake accuses Democrats of “massive election fraud” and “stealing this election.”
Dec. 31. Newspaper columnist David Leibowitz retires after all his 2022 predictions come true. “It’s time,” said Leibowitz, who recently recovered from a near-deadly infection with the COVID-19 Taco Bell variant. “I always wanted to go out on a high note,” said the columnist. “And you don’t get any higher than this.”