Gavel, scales of justice and law books

T

he lawsuits are coming! 

No, I am not talking about politics. OK, so this year has started out like a dumpster fire. But while people are plenty “upset” for obvious reasons, there are some pretty funny lawsuits to take our minds off more serious issues. 

First, we have the “distressed” lady in California who is suing Starbucks because (hold on to your hats, dear readers, as this will shock you) iced coffee has ice in it! The nerve of those little baristas putting ice in my iced latte! It all gets down to trust (according to the attorney handling the case) and “truth in advertising.”

OK, I get it. I want a venti iced latte, which is supposed to be 24 ounces of coffee. Instead, it appears it might be only about 14 to 16 ounces of coffee and the rest is ice. Sort of like the “foot-long” fiasco at Subway, when a group of people sued because the foot-long sandwiches are actually only 11 inches. I guess we want what we are paying for! 

One might ask, where does this all end? Shall we start counting French fries at fast-food restaurants? Perhaps start weighing the quarter pounders? Hey, it is a known fact that the food industry has been squeezing consumers for quite some time. Our 16 ounces of potato chips are less chips and more air. Every product seems to be smaller in weight and volume and higher in price. What are we to do?

Bring in the lawyers! It is not right that the box of “fishies” that my grandson loves are actually just a bunch of crackers shaped like fish. What, no seafood in those little fishies? And what about a Mars bar? It is not made in some far-away planet as the name implies; it is just another Earthly confection. Isn’t that fake?

We already know that packages of Parmesan cheese contain miniscule amounts of sawdust as a filler. Hey, that sounds pretty darn dangerous. Go out to eat at a fancy restaurant, order the parmesan sole and get a splinter? Ouch.

It’s not only America that has weird lawsuits. A poor guy in Italy is suing his wife and her family because they are sneaking him a “love potion” that has kept him married for more than 20 years. So, what is the problem? The husband told the judge that his wife is “mean and ugly” and yet he refuses to divorce her because of the “secret love potion” she is giving him. When asked to elaborate on this “potion” the man only cried, “What else could explain the fact that I am still married to her?” The judge then asked, “Could it be too much red wine?” 

Let’s enjoy this week by going out and getting a nice cup of joe at the local java store. Make it iced. Go easy on the ice. OK, make it cold and forget the ice. Let’s get a foot-long (and I am taking my measuring tape) sandwich. Oh, and if you’d like a “love potion,” maybe switch to a glass of Italian red wine. No lawsuits required. 

Judy Bluhm is a writer and a local Realtor. Have a story or a comment? Email Judy at judy@judybluhm.com.